Monday, 23 March 2015

Deeper into the Shadow Bag: Fear of Failure

A long time ago, when I was just a little girl someone told me my way was wrong, and it has affected me ever since. Last night I had a dream, a shadow dream. This dream represented my biggest fear, it spoke softly but it's words dripped with venom, I got caught up in the drama and I ended up on my knees afraid saying along the lines of "I'm a coward, it's all my fault". From a surface level it appears to be true but underneath, deep down I have been fighting tooth and nail for myself from myself. Self doubt is a most vile poison especially when you gladly swallow it and don't think twice. For a very long time I would second guess myself and always take someone else's word over my own "They obviously know better then me" and this is what I did, for the most part, with everyone. My self-trust was practically non-existent.
This has affected me as a witch as well. When I first stumbled into witchcraft (I was introduced like many via Neo-Wicca) I remembered that, for the first time in my life I had something, a one up on my depression. I cried with utter relief and sure enough it was one of the factors that helped me out of that black pit.
Recently I have started on a new path in witchcraft, that of the hedge rider. Much as I loved green witchcraft something was missing, and I found myself on the path of hedgecraft. This isn't the first time hedgecraft has appeared in myself, it has emerged a handful of time, and each time previously I was dismiss it with remarks such as "This isn't me" "I'm not doing that" "That looks scary" but when hedgecraft come around again I took a step forward. It hasn't been easy, deer lord no. In the space of about 4-5 months I have accidentally astral traveled, almost been devoured by demons, been prey of faery trickery, had dreams and visions more vivid then anything I have experienced so far, met more plant spirits, manifested my familiar spirit, conquered the mystery of my tidal wave dream, and most recently I became an oracle.
Pretty bloody intense huh? I feel that all this is only the beginning. hedgecraft has been a challenging and rewarding path. I have changed so much I almost don't recognise myself, but I love the person I am becoming. But this is not what this article is not about my new found path as a hedge rider.
The shadow dream made me realise something, I am utterly afraid of failure. Now, I'm not really how or why I fear failure, logically I know it is a part of life and how we learn and yet the anxiety that grips my heart is undeniable. This is connected to my self doubt because I simply don't trust in my own power.
I rarely do spells, the ones I do are simple one driving by a need at that time and intuition, but they're not life alternating. Why? Because I'm scared because I believe that it will fail.
Currently I am reading a wonderful book called 'Kissing the Hag: The Dark Goddess and the Unacceptable Nature of Women'  by the Emma Restall Orr. In her book Emma goes over the difference aspects (archetypes) of a woman's nature from childhood to elder. The chapter I read last night was about the Witch, and after I read it, I realised that this is the witch I want to be. At the heart of it, being a Witch is about taking control and getting what you. Emma says there are two keys the Witch is through her emotions and the forces of nature, and she is in control of both, with complete confidence. That is what I want, that complete trust in myself and my power, that is what a Witch is to me and what I will now work for to become.

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